the random series: issue #5

i’m dead tired today.

i got a job last saturday…(as reliever in the hospital)

saturday: our head nurse called me up informing me that i’ll be doing a reliever job in the nursery dept. in the hospital. i went on duty for 12 hours, from 7pm- 7am. (the hospital was under staffed)…at nanibago ako…after almost 4 months…

sunday: i slept the whole day…

monday: i was informed a bit too late that i’m gonna relieve some nursing job…i was late for 7 mins…darn! then i missed half of the review…

tuesday: i went on duty for 12 hours again…( 7am-7pm)…my feet hurts, but it’s okay. at least i’m earning my own money….

the random series: issue #4

SADNESS is my ALCOHOL

occasionally, i am INTOXICATED

but otherwise, most of the time…

i am…

SOBER

the here and thereafter: vol. 1, issue #5

it’s amazing how our emotions changes from euphoria to feelings of doom.

happiness is short lived.

but sadness…

it lingers…for hours, days, months…and even years.

you could exactly recall how you feel when you were sad.
how hurting…how your heart twisted from pain.

but in irony, you can’t exactly how you feel when you were happy.

both are tangible but abstract yet…somehow, sadness becomes concrete…

i’m in a rollercoaster ride. i was happy when i got my harry potter book but it seems like ages ago…and the stress of everything is crashing down upon me. my walls are crumbling…

i need to have a new wall…

yet, i was reminded of own advice “think positive” blah..blah…and i realized that yes, i’m supposed to put things according to priorities. there are things that need to be done. i allowed myself to be completely absorbed with my troubles for two freaking nights and then yesterday i snapped out from my trance and finally said to myself: I CAN DO THIS!!!

somehow, i just felt that i have to acknowledge the tensions around me and within me. if i continue to deny and distract myself from the truth, the tensions would just add up eventually bursting with much complications…and it would be overwhelming to be dealt with.

so after letting myself accept the existence of so many problems…i finally decided that it’s time to move on…and concentrate on things that would make me happy…things that would make myself better.

dedications #3

for myself…FIGHTING!!!

Motto to Live By

by Colin McCarty

When the world gets you down,
put things in perspective.
Move ahead in a positive way;
don’t allow yourself to become mired
in a negative view.

See things for what they really are.
Don’t let the little things get in the way.
Do what you can, however you can,
with the resources you have available to you.

Don’t sell yourself short;
you have the power within you 
to change what needs changing.
Face the situation with the resolve to remedy it;
do what you need to do to put it behind you.

Move ahead in the direction of happiness;
go for your dreams and reach for your star.

And remember who’s in the driver’s seat:
You Are!

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Invictus Author William Ernest Henley Out of the night that covers me,  Black as the Pit from pole to pole,  I thank whatever gods may be  For my unconquerable soul.In the full clutch of circumstance  I have not winced nor cried aloud,  Under the bludgeonings of chance  My head is bloody, but unbowed.Beyond this place of wrath and tears  Looms but the horror of the shade,  And yet the menace of the years  Finds, and shall find me, unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate,  How charged with punishments the scroll,  I am the master of my fate:  I am the captain of my soul.

dedication #2

for myself…

Behind Pages

for a momentary bliss,

i want to feel oblivion

to shut the world as inexistent,

and i am alone in this happy flight.

 

for a short while

i want to lose myself completely

down to the unknown

where everything else don’t matter.

 

tomorrow, reality will dawn upon me in the morning sunrise

from my deep slumber.

and i’d be welcomed once more

with taunting worries and inexplicable lies.

 

and the harder truth will be dealt.

not because i want to…

but because i have to.

 

let me disappear indefinitely.

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even the books that used to shield me from unwanted worries could not suffice anymore. you know how i feel right now? CRAP…i’m feeling like crap and this ordeal is the consequence of what you did mother…i hate you…mother.

the random series: issue #3

i finished reading HP7 in a matter of 12 hours (non-stop reading) only pausing for quick breaks (well, mostly, pee-break).

i will edit this post when i  have more time for some character analysis…=) (probably tomorrow…)

GALENG NI J.K.ROWLING!!!

the random series: issue #2

wahhhhhhhh!!!!

 *JUMPING FROM JOY*

i just got my Harry Potter and the Dathly Hollows!!! woot!!!

i’m gonna read it now!!!

the here and thereafter: vol. 1, issue#4

i read in my saunder’s book the thing about detachment which i think is an important factor in my relationship with my parents.

so, it’s like this…(i’m trying to create a scenario)

when i was younger, like maybe toddler, i have a normal fear (common among toddlers)called separation anxiety. since, i was young i could not cope with this fear and since, i have a limited vocubulary, i can’t express my protest. so i go tantrums, crying and kicking but no matter what i do my parents did not comeback. after some more protest, despair set in…then gaining nothing from it, my young mind resorted to detachment…to relieve me of my anxiety. detachment is a bad thing…it appears as if the toddler to have adjusted to the loss (separation). during this time, the toddler becomes interested in the environment, plays with others, and seems to form new relationships; this behavior is a form of resignation and not a sign of contentment. the toddler detaches from parents in an effort to escape the emotional pain of desiring the parent’s presence. (from Saunders by L.A. Silvestre, MSN, RN)

i realized that this is my problem. i am having a hard time forming deep relationship with other people because i fear that they will just leave me like my parents.

i still have this longing…and it’s hard to come into terms with yourself. i am, finally, gradually, accepting myself.

i am healing myself. i know the scars would be there…i know i can’t forget the hurts…but i can make room for happy memories…until i won’t know that the scars are still there.

the here and thereafter: vol. 1, issue #3

my mother is such a drama queen. i been trying my best to accept her not-so wise decisions (i think) and she’s ignoring me. sometimes, i don’t understand her at all…well make that most of the time.

i grew up without her presence. she’s working most of the time. and so i learned to fend for myself. part of me is thankful that i didn’t spent so much time with her or else some of her characteristic would rub off on me…but part of me regrets it too. she always thinks that i can handle myself alone. (yeah, right.) but a little care would not hurt.

she has developed codepence with my father. i wanted to talk to her about it but she would not listen. my parents are…well…people that i call mother and father. i’m trying to understand their ways…maybe this (our present family situation)  what they call parenthood…

last night, i called mother…but her phone is turned off so i called our housekeeper instead. she (our housekeeper) said that my father, whom my mother claimed to be cheating on her, is still in the house. mother claimed that she kicked him out of the house the day she found out he’s cheating on her (which is like 2 days ago). what’s the deal?

maybe father asked for ANOTHER CHANCE? to hell with chances!!! if father was a good father, i MIGHT give him another chance…but to be caught 3 times cheating?! hah…my mother must have some twisted definition of love.

if father asked for another chance from me, i would tell him bluntly that he has only 10 chances to take…however, those chances were already depleted so i don’t think i can give him another chance…

mother is always choosing him over us. doesn’t she realize that if she lose us, nothing will be left to her? he will just use her just like before, and she would always end up crying to us.

so, mother, please don’t hate me for not showing any sympathy in your dramas (at least i made a poem for you). i have my own worries too…and your whinning voice is enough to block my rational thoughts.

tell me mother, do you love us?

the random series: issue #1

i recently discovered my like for DBSK…(well, i think i’m having some kind of korean fetish…errr…whatever!) at first, i decided that i like ChangMin the most (out of 5) then as the days go by, i realized that i like JaeJoong more, so now if i rank them, it would be like this:

1.) JaeJoong

2.) ChangMin

3.) JunSu

4-5.) YooChun & YunHo (tied)

well, anyway, i’m having a laugh trip in their oh-so-many youtube clips. they are funny and well…just being themselves. i love JaeJoong’s voice…and i’m kinda listening alot to their songs these past few days…

my favorite song is BEGIN…

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i heart JAEJOONG!!!