the random series: issue #15

i got my paycheck yesterday…*so glad*

i have a major headache today. must be the studying. been concentrating a bit more starting last monday.

i’m still in my DBSK phase. but the rankings have change. here it goes:

1.) JaeJoong (still no. 1)

2.) YooChun (previously no. 4 together w/ YunHo)

3-4) JunSu, ChangMin & YunHo

i used to be a JaeHo fan, but lately i’ve been seeinga good chemistry between JaeChun…so…i’ve changed my mind.=p

for my birthday, i want a new Haruki Murakami book or Paulo Coelho book. whichever author, i hope someone will be kind enough to buy me one. *crosses fingers*

the here and thereafter: vol. 1, issue #10

when i woke up today, the first thing i did was cry. i cried because i felt so alone and helpless.

the toll of the week’s stress is finally getting in my nerves. i cried because i was so frustrated of the way things turned out.

i am hating the person that i am turning out to be. i tried so hard to be better but i don’t know if i made any progress at all. quite honestly, i think i became bitchier and angsty and more avoidant. i am stuck in this stage of early adulthood where i am an adult yet i can’t stand firmly with my own two feet.

i thought i was over the pain of the past but i realized that i’m stuck…i’m like an encapsulated thing…i don’t know about anything anymore.

i whine because my life is not going according to my plans. but i cling to my comforts.

the only thing that keeps me going is that the Lord’s promise. He will not abandon me.

for all the lies that my mother told that i have somehow came to believe in…i didn’t want to believe them at all…but i manage to convince myself that maybe this time it’s not a lie. seriously, my mother is more than i can handle. she ignores us (the kids). i sent her a message a while ago, i told her that i hope she still remembers that she has children.

i still think that i am a bad person. i’ve done horrible things. my conscience is not leaving me alone. i am having a hard time. at this point in my life…

i realized, i didn’t know a thing about anything.

if someone stripped me off, there is nothing to see. i am a blank canvas. behind the mask…there is still nothing.

and i am nothing in this world. just a dot in the vast horizon.

if i disappear…it wouldn’t matter…

would there be someone who will notice that i have gone missing?

i know i’m such an emo…i just need to vent these frustrations in my heart. i already cried, now, i’m typing my thoughts…i know i will feel better soon. but for now, even for a day, i want to indulge in my misery.

“The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. “

and that’s why it sucks…life goes on…it does not wait for you to decide what you want. what do i want? i don’t know…i just want to be happy.

the random series: issue #14

i am soooooo guilty.

i

am

a

bad

person…

i lied today…

i hate my self…

the here and thereafter: vol. 1, issue #9

we had a meeting at the hospital yesterday afternoon. after the meeting i was supposed to stay awhile cause i have to re-orient myself with the admission of babies thing. the scheduled CS was defered and postponed today but i can’t be there since i have my review..i’ll still be going on duty tonight though…

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I thought I was…but I realized, I still am…perhaps, I will always be… 

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yesterday too, I had a talk with my senior nurse about my current family problem, of how I long to have a mother-daughter relationship with my mother. she said lots of eye opener for me…like i should initiate the contact, that i should be accepting…somehow, it made me realize that it’s up to me to make everything work. i have set backs and fears about the drastic steps that i will go through if i decided to meet my mother half-way…and somehow my own advice keeps echoing…”hindi lahat ng di tama, ay naitatama” i guess i just have to try harder…

the random series: issue #13

i have 3 blogs. (multiply, friendster & wordpress).

my favorite is my wordpress blog because people do not know me. i can say anything i want. i can curse the hell when i want to. because my wordpress blog is my secret…yeah, somekind of secret online journal. (wth???) =p

with my multiply account…it’s mostly pictures. and some cryptic sentences. often, when i’m logged in i got this weird ideas in my head so i end up posting my most weird stuff in there…and yeah, i post mostly vernacular there too…and funny anecdotes…

for my friendster…well, i post there whenever i remember, but mostly when i have this urge to write a poem, it always happens that i’m logged in friendster. weird eh??? so most of my poems are posted there…

and yeah, i’m getting weird too..

got a review class today. 6 friggin hours of uber boring lectures…must endure!!!

FIGHTING!!!

the random series: issue #12

i am freaking pissed…so pissed…

the random series: issue #11

i went out yesterday night with friends. there was drizzle. and my feet hurts from walking. but it was fun to see old friends…

i am really getting older. mushy and older…

for some reason, i am humming PJ Olsson’s Ready for a Fall…”i should be ready for a fall”

the random series: issue #10

wordpress is really acting up on me…i’m starting to get annoyed. must be my server. first, i can’t log-in, second i can’t post…what’s next?! aarrrgghhh!!!

 i went to the hospital yesterday to talk to the OIC regarding the incident last Aug. 4. what the hell?! i learned that i was falsely accused. darn! okay, so i lie but only if it’s a harmless lie. but that time, i never lied. why would i do something that would endanger my lifetime?

i did not do it.

if i did, i would have said so. 

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i met nyzel today after more than two months. we got copies of our year book together. i like the year book’s lay-out. it’s kind of neat. but it was heavy too…very heavy…

the random series: issue #9

friday: went to the hospital to get my pay but it turned out i can’t have it yet since i did not sign the contract. and i wasted my day in that friggin’ hospital. i hate it.

saturday: i went on duty…alone…for the first time. thank God the baby slept through my shift.

sunday: i attended mass at my chapel and there were lots of kids. screaming kids…aish…i’m not liking toddlerhood at all. on the side note, my mother is being drama queen again. pppsshhh!!! whatever. i’m not buying her crap.

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my brother (the nice one) bought me lots of food over the weekend. i sooo loving him for it…lol.=p

the here and thereafter: vol. 1, issue #8

yesterday i wished that i’d never wake up because i don’t want to deal with the reality of today. i hate confrontations when i know it’s clearly my fault. but when i woke up today, i realized that sooner or later i would have to deal with this thing anyway. reality bites, it hurts to grow.

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i went to a familiar place yet i felt so lost. it felt like i was there the first time. it was strange and the ambiance was not very welcoming. i hate it.

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wordpress is acting up on me again…or is it my pc?…or my server? either way, it’s not good!!!