Down with the memory lane with mostly rants

Ranting#1  

I wish that I could simplify things. But things aren’t black and white. The gray area is a little more complicated though. And the reality is, you are not in the black nor white zones, you are often times in the middle…trying to transcend the shady region that somehow you got stuck into. And it’s difficult. I don’t know if there are people who have the same concern as mine. When I think about it, I worry about petty things, mostly about myself. I am selfish. I hate that I’m like this, but this is me. I applaud the people who go out there in the streets and say the things they want to say. I admire these brave people who choose not to be passive about national concerns and some global affairs. I salute the people who demand change, not soon, but NOW. I want to become a better person. I don’t know if I have ever been good. I know I have been a bad daughter, but I’d like to think I’ve been a good sister and a friend. I want to change now. But these invisible strings around me keep me from doing the things I ought to do. I have fears. I’m too comfortable for my own comfort. I’m always playing it safe. I’m often settled on average. I’m a mediocre. I have always known that I could do better, but I’m satisfied with ‘good enough’. I adore sarcasm and I’m currently addicted to indifference. I’m too tired to care for worldly concerns because my own troubles are more than enough to keep me awake at night. But the irony? I’ve always loved sleeping. I sleep to escape. Denial has always been my favorite defense mechanism. But reality is a bitch. It bites back harder.

 Ranting #2

 I’ve been really thinking hard why the hell I won’t pack my bags and leave Davao. Actually, I don’t need to think that hard. It’s quite simple really. Because Davao is my only home. The only placed where I felt I truly belonged, where I met many wonderful people, the place where I matured, the place that had me defined. When I was young my family moved a lot, from province to province, town to town…if I could remember correctly we moved to at least 10 houses in the past 20 years. Well, at least, the house my parents currently lives in was the longest we ever stayed, 8 years. Hopefully, that would become our permanent address. So, I was thinking about this whole moving out-moving in thing and I came with one conclusion: that I was too in love with the place that I could not bear the thought of abandoning it. We (my brother and I) were supposed to transfer to a new house last month, and I was ready…as long as I’m still here in Davao, but mother said it was far from the downtown area. Not that Mother would live with us. Ugh! If that actually happens, I’ll live in the dorm. I really really like our apartment and moving out is a very hard thing to do. I could not leave the place I call home. The home where there are no traces of my parents fighting.  Well, this might be off topic, but I don’t really like my parents, it’s like if I’m breathing the same air as them I would suffocate. I envy all the children who have good relationship with their parents. All I have in my memory of my parents were arguing, quarrelling, making-up, screaming, threats, and river of tears. I don’t have a fond memory to look back to, and I don’t even know if they realized that. The only vague memory of us as family was the time when the five of us watched a movie in the city. Ironically, I remember the movie (which was OkiDokiDok the movie by the way), but I could not remember anything else after that. When I graduated in Elementary, my parents fought before the ceremony. I have to deliver a speech for my fellow graduates and I forgot at least a paragraph. I didn’t know much about speaking in public then. Anyhow, after the ceremony, my parents left abruptly, leaving me behind…and now, I realized, I haven’t had my picture taken with them in my white graduation dress. High school graduation thing was basically the same; they argued before the ceremony but hey, I was able to pose with both of my parents since they were given a loyalty award. College was a bit different. There got to be at least three ceremonies, first is the capping and pinning which was held on the 2^nd year of college, then pinning ceremony right before graduation and the graduation ceremony itself. Surprise! Surprise! My parents only quarreled during the capping and pinning on my sophomore year…the rest, well, they got along unexpectedly. I know my parents are not very supportive, heck, I haven’t even heard my father say that he’s proud of what I’ve become despite his seeming absence in  my life. I was given too much freedom in my life. I regularly get wasted way back in high school and my mother never reprimanded me. It made me realize that perhaps my parents do not care about me. I crave for attention…the parental affection. Heck, I could not confide my mother. We’re not friends nor do we have good daughter-mother road. She’s my mother and I’m her daughter by reality. My father on the other hand is a hopeless case. I could only talk to him in my dreams.I don’t know what my parents think. We had a very bumpy relationship. With everything else going around so fast, I don’t know if we can fix this marred link. I KNOW we can, but I don’t know HOW.

 Ranting #3 

I was rummaging through my things and I saw of my high school journals. Well, I was full of angst back then. Yeah, every page was like a freaking “curse” leaf.Lots of sh*ts, Fcuk and well, vernacular bad words. I was such a bad, bad child (I am refraining calling myself as ‘evil’) I said hurtful words and I even wished ill against someone. I don’t know if it’s a reasonable excuse, but I was high school then. A rebel without a sensible cause. But I think I grew past beyond that anger. It was literally an anger stage. Nowadays, I felt more in touch with my denial stage. But come to think of it, in grieving process, a person had to deny first before he gets angry. Why am I doing the opposite? Ugh! I don’t know. So, I ripped every pages of that journal, and threw them in my trash can. I don’t want anybody see that ‘bad’ me. People have this impression of me as nice and quiet. I’d like to keep that notion.

 Ranting #4 

I’m thinking of buying several boxes. I’ll start packing soon. I’ll have to pack my books first…come to think of it; most of my money goes to books, foods and movies. Aren’t I simple? :p But when I move, I’m bringing my bed with me. And yeah, life sucks lately. My internet connection has been permanently disconnected. I’m sooooo missing blogging and surfing and watching silly videos in youtube. But, I’ll live. SO, HOORAH!!! (Adoring sarcasm now)  Oh, I got my IELTS exam results. Thank You Lord!                              

Strip the canvass off of its painting

Last February 13-14 I took my IELTS exam, the results won’t be out until the 27th. I think I screwed up my chances of getting a high band score, I was doing so well in the exercises, and I just really sucked on the real thing. In fact, I gave myself one day to wallow my in my anxiety. I started my long over-due One Tree Hill DVD marathon to escape the nagging thoughts in my head, but somehow, my worries were able to creep into my consciousness. It was a bad experience. The worst part of every exam I took was waiting for the result to come out. It was 10x more nerve wrecking than the exam itself. 

The difference between my NCLEX from my IELTS was that in NCLEX I didn’t know what I did wrong, in IELTS I knew exactly which part I screwed up. But I promised I won’t think about it so much. His will, will be done.

 One of the hardest things to do in one’s life is to walk away from something that he knew worth more than his life. 

Pathetic? So why turn your back and walk away? Because I have learned that knowing WHEN to let go is the BRAVEST yet one of the MOST PATHETIC things to do. 

Although that ‘thing’ makes a person happy, but knowing one could make another happier by walking away, then let the action serve its purpose. That’s the balance of things people cannot just get happy altogether. There has to be someone that’s shedding tears, and there has to be another who has a smile painted on her face. It often works that way, however one wanted not to.

 Why is it so hard to forgive the people you love, who have wronged you? 

Simple.

Because you care.

Had you not cared enough, you would’ve let go of the trespasses easier. But then, they say, ‘hate the sin, not the sinner’. It’s hard to keep it up. It’s hard not to actually feel indifferent about the sinner. It would’ve been appropriate to say, ‘hate the intention and not the consequence’? If it is a child the former saying would’ve been applicable, but if we’re talking about adults, be indifferent of the intentions and motives. A person does something because he had intended for it to happen.  

Sometimes, I’d like to believe that nothing happens by accident. That everything has already a blue print of what’s life gonna be for us, only we do not get to see the plan. 

Sometimes I’d like to think that we are all pawns here in this world, and that we’re just waiting for that wrong move to say ‘check mate’ and it’s the end for us. 

Sometimes, I’d like to think that I am dreaming yet I am awake, wide-eyed, and fully conscious of my surrounding. 

Sometimes, I’d like to give up but I know I should hold on. 

I am NOT losing HOPE. I WILL NEVER LOSE IT. It’s hope that keeping me sane all these times that I went through.  

“…I am broken inside, they’ll never know”

 Want to know a secret? I had suicidal ideas and suicidal plans last September 2007, but I know I will chicken out before I could actually realize the plan. Well, it figures, I’m often indecisive. I was planning on buying potassium chloride and have it injected in me. It’s either that or jumping from a high building. The latter sounded so brutal, so I crossed it out. I was actually thinking mostly of drugs that I know could somehow end my misery. But then, a week prior to the date I had chosen as a day to die, I snapped out of my depression and just forgot about the whole dying thing.  It’s like I woke up one day and I realized that I had a full life ahead of me, and my life is a precious gift, too precious to be cut short. 

Last year, I had the most realization I’ve ever had. It was the best year of learning. Learning that I taught to myself. I realized that at one point in a person’s life, she’ll just lose grip of things. For a control freak like me, it was a mess, having everything go out of your hold and even if you tightened your grip, it would still slip away…like the sand and the water. 

I’ve never told this to anyone. It’s been in my head for quite sometime, just hanging around my closet waiting to be exposed. It was weird; I started thinking that if die will I be missed? Or would somebody cry because I was dead? Then I realized I haven’t left any mark on earth yet. Yes, my friends and family would remember me for a time, but eventually, they will start to think less and less of me, until I become such a mere dream, impossible to capture. Faded and forgotten. I realized I’m still going to be a cardio nurse, I’m still gonna build my house, I’m still gonna buy my dream car, I’ll still have to build my business…the list would still go on. To put it simply, I still have so much to do. I’m still young, but I’m allowed to make mistakes and I have almost forgotten that…excluding in the hospital of course. 

I think I’m starting to heal the wounds. I know I am scarred, but these invisible scars, are evidence of my battles. And I am not the only one who suffers here, there are still those who had far greater problem than mine and they didn’t even think of killing themselves. 

When I was still in high school I used to write poems about how misunderstood I felt, today I realized that I made the people around me misunderstand me. I lead them on with facades; I let them think that I am what they think I am when I know for a fact, I was more than that. I shut a part of myself to the world thinking someone would reach out their hands and pull it out from me, but none of that happened. I was delusional. People were just contented to see me through the hazy glass walls I’ve built for myself. 

I am More Than That

Tell me what you see when you look me,
What do you think of my eyes?
Is it darker when I’m angry?
Or does it turn a shade lighter when you crack a joke?

Tell me what you assume,
What do you think of my nose?
Is it a little flat?
Or rounder on side-angle?

Tell me what you imagine my smile to be?
Does my lip turns upward when I do that lop-sided grin you hate?
Do my teeth reveal its true color?
Or have you actually caught a single smile reaching to my eyes?

Let’s flip this hair,
I got it done from a salon a celebrity has recommended.
But my hair came out different,
And I wondered what went wrong.

What about my clothes?
I’m wearing a tank top that each girl has.
Is it appropriate and fashionable?
Or is it just plain and boring?

How about these pants?
I bought it from the store everybody loves.
Is it skinny enough?
Or does it make me look even plumper?

Wow, look at these shoes!
I feel, oh, so pretty on them.
But when I took it off,
I discovered blisters all over.

How do I differ from everyone else?
Am I a generic? Or a brand name?
Tell me what you know about me.
And I’ll tell you, I’m more than that.

© DCEC16.02.08

One thing I love about myself is that I have few ‘what ifs’. I don’t regret my previous decisions in life because I believe that the moment I decided, it was based on what I thought what is best for me. 

In the future, I will still face confusions, pains and hurt. Perhaps, I’ll think of cutting ‘it’ again. (Which I hope won’t happen again). But next time, I know better. I know I am a changed person now. I might be broken but I will not fall apart again and lose a piece of me.

As Brooke Davis said in One Tree Hill: “You are not only a survivor, you’re also a warrior” 

I’ve had my share of personal battles and I’ve survived them. And whatever the world brings next? Bring it on. I’m not scared anymore. I know I will survive them…AGAIN. 

(: 

the random series: issue #45

This day had been tiresome. I feel deflated for some unknown reason.
I sucked at my listening test.
I messed up my writing exercise.
I don’t know.
It’s sunny outside but I’m feeling down. Tomorrow, I must return to my perky self.
———————————————————————
I am confused more than I admit I am.

I am distracted yet I don’t know why.

well, never mind my last statement. I KNOW WHY.

A life changing event would unfold before my eyes on the 14th. Not to mention the pending candidate authorization that I have to sign before the week ends.

I won’t really be having problems if I’m not tight on cash right now.
Why must everything needs money?

I see wider perspectives. Possible career options.

But it all narrow down to this— I need money. Desperately.

I am praying for God’s guidance. To lead me to the right people.To help me decide for my future. To give me strength.

Even as the tears fall

The hardest part of life is accepting reality,

that happiness is a choice

that everything happens for a reason

that everything is a learning process…

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Do you think peace of mind is a masked indifference?