Strip the canvass off of its painting

Last February 13-14 I took my IELTS exam, the results won’t be out until the 27th. I think I screwed up my chances of getting a high band score, I was doing so well in the exercises, and I just really sucked on the real thing. In fact, I gave myself one day to wallow my in my anxiety. I started my long over-due One Tree Hill DVD marathon to escape the nagging thoughts in my head, but somehow, my worries were able to creep into my consciousness. It was a bad experience. The worst part of every exam I took was waiting for the result to come out. It was 10x more nerve wrecking than the exam itself. 

The difference between my NCLEX from my IELTS was that in NCLEX I didn’t know what I did wrong, in IELTS I knew exactly which part I screwed up. But I promised I won’t think about it so much. His will, will be done.

 One of the hardest things to do in one’s life is to walk away from something that he knew worth more than his life. 

Pathetic? So why turn your back and walk away? Because I have learned that knowing WHEN to let go is the BRAVEST yet one of the MOST PATHETIC things to do. 

Although that ‘thing’ makes a person happy, but knowing one could make another happier by walking away, then let the action serve its purpose. That’s the balance of things people cannot just get happy altogether. There has to be someone that’s shedding tears, and there has to be another who has a smile painted on her face. It often works that way, however one wanted not to.

 Why is it so hard to forgive the people you love, who have wronged you? 

Simple.

Because you care.

Had you not cared enough, you would’ve let go of the trespasses easier. But then, they say, ‘hate the sin, not the sinner’. It’s hard to keep it up. It’s hard not to actually feel indifferent about the sinner. It would’ve been appropriate to say, ‘hate the intention and not the consequence’? If it is a child the former saying would’ve been applicable, but if we’re talking about adults, be indifferent of the intentions and motives. A person does something because he had intended for it to happen.  

Sometimes, I’d like to believe that nothing happens by accident. That everything has already a blue print of what’s life gonna be for us, only we do not get to see the plan. 

Sometimes I’d like to think that we are all pawns here in this world, and that we’re just waiting for that wrong move to say ‘check mate’ and it’s the end for us. 

Sometimes, I’d like to think that I am dreaming yet I am awake, wide-eyed, and fully conscious of my surrounding. 

Sometimes, I’d like to give up but I know I should hold on. 

I am NOT losing HOPE. I WILL NEVER LOSE IT. It’s hope that keeping me sane all these times that I went through.  

“…I am broken inside, they’ll never know”

 Want to know a secret? I had suicidal ideas and suicidal plans last September 2007, but I know I will chicken out before I could actually realize the plan. Well, it figures, I’m often indecisive. I was planning on buying potassium chloride and have it injected in me. It’s either that or jumping from a high building. The latter sounded so brutal, so I crossed it out. I was actually thinking mostly of drugs that I know could somehow end my misery. But then, a week prior to the date I had chosen as a day to die, I snapped out of my depression and just forgot about the whole dying thing.  It’s like I woke up one day and I realized that I had a full life ahead of me, and my life is a precious gift, too precious to be cut short. 

Last year, I had the most realization I’ve ever had. It was the best year of learning. Learning that I taught to myself. I realized that at one point in a person’s life, she’ll just lose grip of things. For a control freak like me, it was a mess, having everything go out of your hold and even if you tightened your grip, it would still slip away…like the sand and the water. 

I’ve never told this to anyone. It’s been in my head for quite sometime, just hanging around my closet waiting to be exposed. It was weird; I started thinking that if die will I be missed? Or would somebody cry because I was dead? Then I realized I haven’t left any mark on earth yet. Yes, my friends and family would remember me for a time, but eventually, they will start to think less and less of me, until I become such a mere dream, impossible to capture. Faded and forgotten. I realized I’m still going to be a cardio nurse, I’m still gonna build my house, I’m still gonna buy my dream car, I’ll still have to build my business…the list would still go on. To put it simply, I still have so much to do. I’m still young, but I’m allowed to make mistakes and I have almost forgotten that…excluding in the hospital of course. 

I think I’m starting to heal the wounds. I know I am scarred, but these invisible scars, are evidence of my battles. And I am not the only one who suffers here, there are still those who had far greater problem than mine and they didn’t even think of killing themselves. 

When I was still in high school I used to write poems about how misunderstood I felt, today I realized that I made the people around me misunderstand me. I lead them on with facades; I let them think that I am what they think I am when I know for a fact, I was more than that. I shut a part of myself to the world thinking someone would reach out their hands and pull it out from me, but none of that happened. I was delusional. People were just contented to see me through the hazy glass walls I’ve built for myself. 

I am More Than That

Tell me what you see when you look me,
What do you think of my eyes?
Is it darker when I’m angry?
Or does it turn a shade lighter when you crack a joke?

Tell me what you assume,
What do you think of my nose?
Is it a little flat?
Or rounder on side-angle?

Tell me what you imagine my smile to be?
Does my lip turns upward when I do that lop-sided grin you hate?
Do my teeth reveal its true color?
Or have you actually caught a single smile reaching to my eyes?

Let’s flip this hair,
I got it done from a salon a celebrity has recommended.
But my hair came out different,
And I wondered what went wrong.

What about my clothes?
I’m wearing a tank top that each girl has.
Is it appropriate and fashionable?
Or is it just plain and boring?

How about these pants?
I bought it from the store everybody loves.
Is it skinny enough?
Or does it make me look even plumper?

Wow, look at these shoes!
I feel, oh, so pretty on them.
But when I took it off,
I discovered blisters all over.

How do I differ from everyone else?
Am I a generic? Or a brand name?
Tell me what you know about me.
And I’ll tell you, I’m more than that.

© DCEC16.02.08

One thing I love about myself is that I have few ‘what ifs’. I don’t regret my previous decisions in life because I believe that the moment I decided, it was based on what I thought what is best for me. 

In the future, I will still face confusions, pains and hurt. Perhaps, I’ll think of cutting ‘it’ again. (Which I hope won’t happen again). But next time, I know better. I know I am a changed person now. I might be broken but I will not fall apart again and lose a piece of me.

As Brooke Davis said in One Tree Hill: “You are not only a survivor, you’re also a warrior” 

I’ve had my share of personal battles and I’ve survived them. And whatever the world brings next? Bring it on. I’m not scared anymore. I know I will survive them…AGAIN. 

(: