A Week and A Few Days’ Worth of Ramblings

Maybe because I’m physically exhausted these days that my brain automatically shut down whenever I put my head on my pillow and close my eyes. For once, this exhausting thing I’m leading these past few months are more than welcome than my mother’s lies and my brothers’ craps. These days, whenever I have the time off, I would just love to stay at home and sleep. I couldn’t be bothered anymore by many trivial things. I’ll just take the day as it comes.

I started my PACU rotation last June 17. It was a torture to my poor legs. Only limited seats are available. Every time I go home, my legs felt so used up.

My friend Natalie left for London last June 19, for work. Good for her. I hope she would take care of herself. “I’LL MISS YOU TAL!!!!”

Last Friday, June 20, 2008, a friend invited me to their church gathering. It was different in a nice way, most Protestants are really expressive in the way they worship God and we Catholics are somewhat passive. My friend had been consistently and persistently inviting me to join in one of their gatherings which falls every Friday and for this month, every Friday was my day off. At first I was really hesitant to join, because I don’t want to be pulled in a new religion when I was raised as a Catholic and actually, a part-time practicing Catholic. So for two Fridays in a row, I excused myself, saying I’m doing something else, and then on the third week, I could not ignore it. I was actually ashamed that I was playing kind of tag with my friend, so finally I agreed. I wasn’t that bad…except that I was cynical for the most part. You may wonder why, it was because I KNOW all the things that the speaker said, but the thing is I’m having difficulty understanding it. And now, my friend invites me to their church service which falls coincidentally with my Catholic rituals. He’s slowly converting me and I’m holding back. I want to know Jesus. I want to understand Jesus. But not in this way. It’s conflicting my own personal belief. I’ve expressed this to my friend and he simply said: “Just try once”. I don’t want to commit. I like my religion the way it is.

I’m supposed to send a text message to my father last June 24 because it was his birthday. I was planning to send him a simple greeting that says: “I forgive you”. I have already forgiven my father, but I can’t find the right timing. How do I do it?

Today, as in this day of June 26, 2008, I had successfully extracted (what I hoped for) an arterial blood gas (ABG). Tonight’s shift, the Post-anesthetic Care Unit was so busy, we had two patients who were on continuous bi-valve mask plus there were those other patients with other needs. Yes we were busy, but I liked it. I thank the Lord for the strength and the presence of mind that He blessed me. I pray that all our patients may recover fast and may not experience post-surgery complications.

The last few days also were very devastating among the people of the Philippines because of the typhoon Frank. I was going to complain about how my life doesn’t work out the way I planned it, but I was ashamed of how insignificant my concern is. There are those who are suffering more than I do, people whose doubts and fears are twice overwhelming than my own. I realized how selfish I am, always praying for myself and complaining about trifling things that do not make a difference in the world. I have no right to complain, I’ve always said that I cannot complain with a full stomach. I should internalize that.

POST SCRIPT:

-For Anarhea

At some point, friends and family will disappoint you, that is a given fact.

It was all right if you hadn’t said yes, but I would have understood it if you gave a good reason. I waited for a single explanation as to why you didn’t replied back nor acknowledged my simple request. Over and over again, you have proven how much of a user you are. I did not expect you to actually show up, but I was a bit disappointed because I thought you’ve changed. So thanks a lot for the wake-up call. Remind me to never to help you again. USER.

I Hear It, I Taste It

It’s amazing how a simple compliment can lift someone’s mood. It’s even more amazing when it’s least expected. Well, somehow, I wanted to impress the staff that I am able, organized and diligent worker. I wasn’t ass-kissing, it was plainly making myself available. I’m a sucker for learning. I love learning new things.

And once again, it was proven that everything happens for a reason. Had I stayed in my previous hospital, I would have not known things that I only know now. I would have been stuck doing cord cares, changing diapers, dealing with disgruntled parents and what not.

Being a staff at the nursery wasn’t that bad, but it wasn’t my dream job either. I was there because I was put there, not because I wanted to. I remembered clearly when the training officer asked me if it’s okay to be assigned in the Nursery/NICU department, I said yes. I should have said no. I specifically applied for an OR trainee position and ICU nursing, but I was thrown in the midst of crying babies, and I found myself dealing with it because I have to.

I admit when I first started doing my nursing duty as an officially registered nurse, I was not focused and I wasn’t serious about it. I do things right, but I know it wasn’t as good as it was supposed to be. I was merely passing my idle time before the start of NCLEX review classes. I was moody for the most part, preferring not to talk during rounds or assert myself. I admit I was still confused of what I want, and I was still fresh from the NLE and my post-graduate blues weren’t over yet.

So, when the training ended after two months, I was somewhat relieved. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to take on my new role yet or maybe I just didn’t encourage myself more to do my best. I know I failed the post-training exam. That was just one of the proofs that I wasn’t into bedside that year.

I have few stories to tell the times I was in my previous hospital. It wasn’t their fault nor mine. It’s just that there weren’t so many opportunities for me to shine and prove myself. I have a few fond memories and though I haven’t learned in there more than what I’ve learned in my present hospital, I was glad that I was able to experience those moments. Those instances actually proved as my stepping stone. I know I was a step ahead over my co-trainees because most of them were actually novice, with no previous hospital experiences except when they were still students.

I know I was good, but I believe I can be better. A better person and a better nurse. I know it’s premature for me to say this but I am actually pretty excited about the prospect of working in DMC. Yes, it wasn’t the best hospital nor was it the most highly-technological hospital, heck it wasn’t even clean. But you know what keeps me wanting to work there? The experience. The people you meet. The cases that you handle. The learning. It is all worth it. Of course, there were those days that you don’t want to go on duty but there are days that you just can’t wait to be on duty again. I can feel the rush. I can hear my calling. I can taste my life. Thank you DMC.

A Father’s Day Reminder

Broken (c) dcec 08.06.2008

I am not—

Whole.

I longed to be:

continuous,

unabridged,

and connected

To these people I call:

Mother,

Father,

And Brothers.

Let me be one.

Trace the dots

On a cracked circle.

Stop the cycle.

Are we all strangers?

No. We are a family

That is…

—broken.

Change

People often resist change. Whether in work, in yourself, or in whatever environment you’re in. But the thing is…change is inevitable.

I don’t like my new assignment. I’m missing med main so bad.

But things are to be dealt because you have to.

I should probably start learning to like CCU/RR.