Breaking the Cycle
© dcec 28.07.2008
One step onward,
Brave forward,
I go.
One pause,
One breath,
I lost.
Then I start…
— Again,
With…
One step onward,
Braver steps forward,
I persistently go.
I breathe,
But no more pauses,
Another step ahead.
Away from the cycle.
Away from you.
Finally.
Slowly.
Never will I wither.
Because I know I am emotionally immature that I let these tears fall.
I just can’t believe it. After the crap I’ve said, I’m back where I started from.
Because sometimes, admitting defeat isn’t at all cowardly.
Because you know better that giving up is the best option.
Because you know better that it’s time to pack up your bags and go.
Because no matter how much you try to change. No matter how much you wish for it to change. It will NEVER, EVER happen because you know all to well that it simply works that way.
Maybe I should die trying huh?
(July 11)
Mother’s Birthday. I was on duty, so I greeted her when the clock turned 12:00 o’clock.
—-
Maybe because of all the disappointment I’ve had in my entire life that I’ve learned not to expect too much out of people. As for the reason that you’re all by yourself pretty much.
No one will take care of you best other than yourself.
—-
I have this tendency to tell to strangers my secrets. The fact that they don’t know me makes the whole point. They (the strangers) will forget all the things I’ve told them sooner than I think. If I told my secrets to someone I know they might hold those secrets against me. Ultimately, my secrets will become their weapon and my downfall. So I tell my secrets to sporadic people. It’s like scattering myself into tiny pieces, emptying myself but remaining whole and intact.
Tell secrets to strangers. That’s the point.
—-
After weeks of not communicating, my best friend finally contacted me. I know she had her reasons for not telling me. I can’t hold it against her. But I’m glad she’s okay.
—–
I started to watch AVATAR : the airbender. Please, I am a grown 22-year-old woman. It’s really fun to watch though.
——-
When I started my ICU 2 rotation, it felt like I started so wrong. I was very moody for the past days and tired and worn out.
A convo between me and a patient @ 3:30 AM (July 10)
Me: “Sir, katulog na…” (Sir, please sleep…)
Patient: “Makatulog kaya ko nga mag sige ko ug huna-huna nga putlon akong tiil…” (Who can sleep if I keep on thinking that my feet will be amputated?)
How am I supposed to answer that? The sad thing about being a nurse is that one can actually get used to deaths and cries of agony. Empathy or intellectualization?
—-
POST SCRIPT:
I saw my crush today before I started work, in the bandy clock while I logged in on my DTR … in the most unromantic way. He actually gave me a fright. I was checking my DTR when he suddenly jumped on me, my heart jumped out of my rib cage. And when I was about to go home after my shift, I saw him again…well, I was supposed to go in the net café but it was full so I decided to go home, then I saw HIM. *Totally giddy* ;p Then I said goodbye.
I had this amazing story that I will tell when I have the time…hhhmmm…maybe tomorrow or whenever. It’s a true story of faith and amazing works of God.
—-
When I went on a night duty last Thursday, July 3, there was this patient who has a GCS of 3 (read: comatose), he was unresponsive, with constricted pupils and has ET to mech vent. After my two days off, I went on AM shift last Sunday, July 6, and really miracles do happen. That patient was simply amazing, when I arrived at ICU 2 at around 6:45 AM, he extubated himself, and he was able to tolerate the atmospheric air. It was indeed surprising. I remembered praying for him, that if he will die, to let him rest in peace. But he had an amazing recovery, in fact, he was discharged.
Also last July 6, one of our patients died, he was revived 4 times. May he rest in peace.
Mirrors Do Tell Lies
© dcec 12.06.2008
Because it will only show what you wanted to see,
Because it will only tell you what you wanted to hear,
Because it will make you appear either fat or thin,
Because it will make you feel either pretty or ugly,
Because all mirrors differ…
It will reveal you more or less than what you wanted to perceive.
Never what is true. Never what is real.
Unless you tell yourself the truth.
———–
My new rotation started last July 1. I’m on ICU 2 now. Three more months.
