A Wish and More

My book wish list:

 

1. Being Happy by Andrew Mathews
2. Kokology 1
3. Kokology 2
4. Any Haruki Murakami book
5. Book of Questions by Pablo Neruda

 

I started reading Kafka on the Shore but I’m still on Chapter 6. I’m just so darn busy these days. I’m gonna ask my brother to buy me any of the first three books.

 

My college friends and I got together for a special Christmas outing yesterday. It’s our annual tradition every Christmas and we’ve been doing it for the past five years. Originally we’re 10 in the group but since some of us got so busy, only six of us made it this year. Anyhow, it was a fun day. I got a foot scrub as a gift. Actually I was asking for either book or cologne but I liked the foot scrub too and it smells really nice.

——–

“Just for the feeling of flying, I’d gladly take the fall”

 

I wish I’d fall madly in love next year. I’ve never been in love. And I don’t know why. I would even go for an unrequited love just so I could feel the cliché’s they all described in the book. Sure, I have a few crushes, but really, they don’t last long. It’s been so long. Seriously, the last time I blushed because of some boy was in 4^th year HIGH SCHOOL (I know it’s pathetic). Sigh. What a fond memory. But other than that, I’m totally blank. I know I can’t will myself to fall for someone, so I WISH that there would be that someone who could make me laugh and think about him. I do not ask for someone who could be there on my every whim, but rather I just want someone to talk to, to listen to me and just love me for everything that I’m worth.

 

And another reason for that wish (in a twisted way) is I want to know how to be hurt. It seems that family betrayal is different from boyfriend-girlfriend hurt. It must hurt a lot, but if I never really experienced it, I would always be sympathetic and borderline emphatic, and never completely there. Shared experience is different from what I read in books, so I’m willing to have my heart as bait.

 

The only problem is I can’t just like any boy. I’m not really hard to please. Just three basic characteristics: smart, funny and polite. All the guys I’ve known with these qualities were gay, so I don’t know if I could ever find these three combos.

 

Therefore,

 

…let the universe conspire, so that my one wish would come true.

 

Year End Review: How the heck 12 months passed by ever so swiftly?

 January:

I came back from my bad choice and with my new found knowledge. I was unemployed and it sucks so much but I got over it because I was going to enroll in IELTS review classes. So, January 7, I started my review, then I submitted my application at DDH.

 

February:

February 13, I had my speaking exam for IELTS, the following day, I took the remaining exams. Sometime later, I paid for my DMC exam. February 27, the ILETS exam result came out, I passed with an overall band score of 7.5.

 

March:

I took my DMC qualifying exam for trainees. I only paid for one exam so I told myself that if I fail, I would try my luck in Gen San, however, thank God, I passed the CCN exam. March 31 was the first day of the 6-month long training program. My first assignment was at special laboratory. It’s purely diagnostic facility. We do ECG, EEG and proctosigmoidoscopy.

 

April:

Continuation of special laboratory exposure. I think I sent my documents to Eric this time. And I was adjusting to the area.

 

May:

I was assigned at the medicine-main ward. Skills wise, I became a confident nurse. I signed up with Globalcare agency. So, I was interviewed and accepted together with some of my close friends.

 

June:

I hate this rotation. I got CCU and PACU as areas.

 

July:

My second favorite area, ICU 2. It was a fun experience.

 

August:

My third favorite area, ICU 1. The staffs were the best. We had our first CCN outing. On the later part of August I sent my application at the New Zealand Nursing Council.

 

September:

My birth month. The NZ council sent a reply. I was assigned to the least favorable area of all—PICU. I just hate it. We had our 2^nd CCN outing. The training program ended. I have no extension duties.

 

October:

We had our case study presentation. Mostly I bummed around. My friend Denmark went home, he got me a copy of Stephenie Meyer’s “Breaking Dawn”.

 

November:

Ugh. I can’t bear this month. It was just freaking boring. And yeah, we moved in to a new apartment. And DDH informed me of their training program.

 

December:

Okay, officially, I AM A BUM. Again.

 

——

Half of the year was actually spent on the hospital, so I think I was able to help other people. And this year wasn’t really as worthless as I think it is. I mean, there were highlights every month so I guess, the year was okay.

 

For the next year, I hope to achieve half of the goals I’ve written down in my poetry notebook, or at least realize at least one plan. The global financial crisis is actually worrying me, but as they say “Expect the worst but hope for the best”

——

Forever ends when you know it’s over.

—–

How long should a detour last?

——

Nostalgia is such a bittersweet feeling, but then it’s a known fact, what right do I have to reiterate it once more?

 

——

 

Our family never celebrated Christmas in spite of being Catholics. We’ve never practiced traditions nor could I remember a memorable Christmas in all of 23 years in this planet. We simply put up generic decorations but that’s all Christmas-ey we could ever get. When I hear people say that Christmas is for children I couldn’t help but wonder why my parents didn’t know that, or perhaps they simply ignored its true meaning. 23 Christmases and no memory stood out. For me, Christmas is a symbolic day, but sad memories rather linger. Most Christmases in the past was marred by my parents’ quarrellings and I often find myself alone. We weren’t raised in a homey environment; we witnessed domestic violence, cheating and lies. I had a difficult growing-up and I always envy my friends who seemed so happy with their respective families. I grew up hiding my dark and twisted background; out front I presented this happy-go-lucky attitude and when I was alone I really felt how lonely I am. And thus, Christmas is not my favorite season. I’m looking forward for the day that it will become a fond memory.

 

—–

 

I

Am.

 

Dark

Twisted

Broken.

 

Lead

Me.

 

To

The Light,

The right path,

 

Un-break

Me.

 

I

need

You.

 

Assorted

I think the twilight movie was kind of over rated. And though I liked the books, it does not compare to Harry Potter, and somehow, I am offended by those who say that the twilight saga was “the next Harry Potter”.
—–
I wish at least one of my friends have read Haruki Murakami’s work, it’s such a shame not to be able to discuss his works which undoubtly were very good.
—–
I had a minor accident today, I slid on the bathroom while bathing, my occipital area actually hit the wall so I was like, “Okay, what’s my name? Define M.I.? What’s the sign of M.I.?” It was crazy. I thought I was having a temporary amnesia.
—–
I had a weird dream. I was floating on the river when I decided that I couldn’t fight it anymore, so I just let myself go, then i realized I wasn’t floating anymore, but I was in an unknown street. i kept finding a landmark so that I can go home, but unfortunately I kept going in circle, when I actually had the glimpse of the landmark ( a green building) I rounded the street to find it completely different, the landmark nowhere in sight, then I just kept on going in circles…

The dream could be what I’m feeling right now. They say, dreams are precognitive.
—–
Last week my mother visited us from the province, and since our flat iron broke down, she told my brother to buy a new one:
(in vernacular)
Mother: “King (my second brother) palit ug plantsa”
King: “Ummmm…may iban ko nga priorities”

what the heck? he doesn’t have to go that deep. Apparently, he doesn’t want to spend on something he’s not gonna benefit from.
Oh wells…

As I Believed

 Because I’ve learned from my mistakes that impulsive decisions would get me nowhere, this time around I took my time to decide. Last week I was a bit confused about what step to take next. I’ve been bumming out for the past two months and I was becoming restless. I was prepared to step out of my comfort zone, I was ready to leave the familiar things behind. I was so ready. But out of nowhere, there’s this another pop out that kept me back. Just when I was so close in finally stepping out my glass walls, there’s this thing again. Holding me back. I seldom regretted my decisions despite how hasty I made them. I follow two simple categorical guidelines:

1. Do I want to do it?

2. Would I regret it?

So as I answer myself now, I know that I want to do it. Would I regret it? I don’t know. It’s too early to tell. I allowed myself a few options to choose from and looking from all the sides of the circumstance, I have nothing to lose. Sure, it might waste a bit of money, but it’s just money. It can be earned. But I would gain more than that and I know it’s worth it. Just as planned, I would continue with what has been decided last week but with revisions. I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, but right now, I don’t really care about reasons. I just want this to be done and over with.

———–

How would one describe success?

 

I suppose it’s different for everyone.