I MUST QUIT…YOU

 

I know I should have realized this a long time ago, but there are things better left alone. That there are things that do not need justifications. Things happen. They just do. Most of the time we can’t understand the reason why they happen the way they do. But somehow we still want to know the answers. What happens when our questions are not answered? Sometimes it messes our minds, take away our time and ruin our relationship with people. It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t ask, I guess it only means that when things cannot be answered, perhaps it implies that it shouldn’t have been asked in the first place. Life is complicated enough without us complicating it further.

 

 

Broken II

© dcec 25April09

 

—Wings,

Strings,

Hopes

And dreams.

 

Fly away, little bird.

Even broken wings heal.

 

Love and live

Even broken strings are repaired.

 

Have faith.

Even broken hopes are rebuilt.

 

Keep going and never stop.

Even broken dreams are fixed.

 

So, worry no more,

You can still be whole.

 

Piece by piece,

Let us complete the puzzle.

 

 

♥break 101

© dcec 25April09

 

Cupid’s arrow was shot,

And helplessly,

I was struck.

Like a thunder,

It left a frightening mark.

 

Cupid’s arrow melted,

And hopelessly,

I prayed to the heavens above.

Because like a knife,

You sliced my heart in two.

 

“Put it back!” I cried.

“Once more,

Make it whole.”

Rhetorical

It’s funny at times how one has closed a phase in her life and suddenly, she realized it wasn’t over at all. That there was a side story to the chapter she was on. She had to turn the pages back and read the side story.

As they say “It ain’t over till it’s over”.

It wasn’t a race,
It wasn’t a game,
It wasn’t anything but waiting.

Who decides that the wait is over?
Isn’t it the one who waits?
Because she was sick and tired of the uncertainty that governed her life?
Then suddenly, AFTER, she had moved on, the thing that she waited for appeared.
Would she still accept the one she’s waited?
Or she should just move forward with her plans?
If she has said her goodbyes, it should mean that it was over right?
But at the last moment, she decided to take a few steps back; after all she hasn’t moved away that far yet.
She doesn’t know if she did the right thing, but to her it felt right. She felt she should have been more patient with things, because at times, there are circumstances that could not be hurried.
Did she decide on impulse? Definitely NOT. She waited. One day, two days, three days…in fact it turned to a couple of weeks, that’s why she set the deadline, because to wait for something so doubtful and uncertain was exhausting her emotional quota.

But despite reaching the limit, when the thing she waited for finally materialized, she didn’t know how to react. Should she be happy now? But she said her goodbyes. Would that make her less of a person if she swallow her pride and turn back?

She has decided. It wouldn’t hurt her to go a few steps back.

It wouldn’t hurt me to go back.
It wasn’t over at all.
I just decided that it was over to spare myself from further disappointment.

—–

I have learned a very helpful lesson last year. When I had so many things going on in my mind, when I wanted to verbally express what I feel…there were these random people. Somehow, telling my secrets to these unknown souls helped me unload my emotional baggage and I know, chances are we may never meet again. In a way, they’ve helped me become a healthier person in mind and spirit. So thank you strangers.

——-

Somehow I feel so much better about things now. I’m not over thinking, I understand things better and I’m not having my yearly dose of mild depression. Life is good. L♥ving it so much.

Just Because

Perhaps, we will never understand the reason why things happen the way they do.

Inverse

 

Inverse

dcec © 05April09

 

Putting up a brave front,

When the tears threatens to make its way

Down to the cheeks, its rightful path.

Hypocrite!

Yes, I am.

 

The tears no longer linger,

Instead, they were pushed back,

Along with the desire to break down.

Because I had to.

Paint my face with a smile.

Fake.

Yes, it was.

 

Momentarily, I forget.

To be completely free

—to despair,

—and to hurt.

Later.

When I’m all alone.

I’ll fall down on my knees,

And let these silent tears fall.

 

—–

 

My head is in chaotic mode. It’s disorganized but focused, at least I could be happy with the latter since I used to be feeling so confused all the time. I feel so much better with myself now, no more a few days worth of depression, I guess it helped that I have someone to talk to in the house, I don’t feel so much isolated anymore, It feels like I’m alive. That I’m part of something important, the confused self that I used to describe myself with, is now more driven than ever. I guess accepting things as they are helped me. Rather than thinking of one thing as a means to an end, options are more open and better, so deciding about the future does not seem that hard. Occasionally, I understand there will be doubts, at times, I’d feel down and there will be moments that I would feel cynical but I also understand that I will be better, better than I used to be, that despite the flipside of the coin, there will still be happy times and I want to remember that. I want to recall the things that shaped me to become stronger and responsible. I realized that no matter how much I expect things to go on my way, it’s useless. Expectations are vessel of misery and disappointment. It’s true what they say, “Expect the unexpected” Sometimes, no matter how hard I tried, some things are not just meant for me. No matter how hard I worked on it, how much effort I’ve exerted, how much I wanted it to the point of thinking about it every freaking single day. It’s all useless. And reality told me that. Reality bit me hard, even denial could not withstand. Then, I should know better right? I should know that it’s time to let go. And I won’t feel bad, I won’t regret because at the end of the day, it will not matter if I got what I wanted but how well did I take the road. As they say “It’s not how the game ended, it’s how well you played the game”. So, I know it’s my cue to finally close that chapter. The “I-expect-DDH-will-hire-me” belief. It’s over. A new page has begun and I’ve started writing it. The wheels are once again ready to be in motion. I guess my gas has a better mileage now. I believe that God has better plans for me, if He closes one door of opportunity, he opens the windows. So, I just have to be patient, look over the window, see beyond, step out of my universe and perhaps defy gravity.

 

A repost:

“Something has changed within me,

Something is not the same,

I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game,

Too late for second guessing,

Too tale to go back to sleep,

It’s time to trust my instinct,

Close my eyes

And leap”

-Wicked (Defying Gravity)

 

—–

 

Everything that happens to us is a result of a decision, made by me, you and the people around us. We affect each other unknowingly and sometimes we are entangled in situations that are not of our doing. Often, we get stuck, left behind in the murky waters. If in the first place it wasn’t of our doing, why are we there? Why are we having difficulty getting out of the situation? Because people are all interconnected, I may not know it but there might be someone who’s crying his/her eyes out because of some decisions I made. We all have this invisible thread within us that kept us together. Because that’s all we are, connected somehow.

 

—–

 

The truth hurts as much as a lie. No matter what, all human emotions falter.

Slap My Face

We always keep on learning the same lessons, but we never learn, do we?

Moral of the story: don’t hatch the egg when you don’t even know if the hen is a mother hen.

Reality still slaps hard. I can’t even dodge it.

Stupid, Drunk and Something Else

Most of the time, we do not regret the things that we did in the past,th
rather, more often than not, we regret the things we didn’t do. So, we should
take more risks and live life fully each day.

These past few days were so carefree. Sure there were some anxious moments
but I tried not to get those unnecessary head-clutter to bother me,
living a carefree life is fun, it’s nice to hang out with new people
and talk about silly things, act dumbly without worrying what other people woud say.
I always think that I don’t need to explain myself to people I don’t really know
well. Explanations are for people who cares for you and you want them to understand
you better.

—–

I had been drinking liquor at least once a week for the past three weeks.
It’s more than my usaul dosage of alcohol.
I was super drunk once, to the point of having a black out and having to
throw up on the streets. I guess that would be the first and last time of my life
that I would ever get drunk like that. It was memorable in a sense that I can’t remember
half of the things I did that night. Actually, I came from PM shift that day,
then went to Torres with my duty partner. Some of my friends were waiting for us,
then I drank mixes of liquor. I dislike drinking margarita, it really makes
me so drunk even with just three shots. It was a night of total ignorance,
I know I can’t handle my margarita well, but still I took the shots, plus
a bucket of Red Horse Beer. It was obviously more than what I could handle.
Not contended with that, my friend suggested we go to UC, so UC here we come,
then total black out. I could not remember what else followed. All I could
remember was arriving at home. My duty partner tried to tell me the stupid things
I said and did but I stoppped him. It was worth not knowing.

—-

Coackraoaches are actully one of the world’s oldest surviving species and
they play a vital role in the food web, but still, it doesn’t change the fact
that it’s dirty and it’s gross. Plain Ewwww!!!

This being said, however, it can’t be helped,
You have to admire a cockroach’s persistence and determination.
Have you seen a cockroach rolling over its back, how it struggles to
turn itself on its stomach? Admirable.

I guess even cockroaches teach something to humans.

—-

I guess it’s time to decide what to do with my life. Again.
Waiting is scuh a bore, and I’ve realized that I can’t wait for
my life to happen, somehow, I know I have to step up and
make it happen. I already said that my way is clearer than before.
but I used up my options so now I’m creating more choices.
I realized that despite how good my evaluation was, how good was
my interview, no matter how I tried so hard to get what I want,
it’s all useless. In the end, the decision was out of my hands,
obviously, I did my part but people have different impressions,
perhaps, my hardest wasn’t enough. I get it. There are other things
for me to do. Everything happens for a reason and it was my fault for
expecting so much out of this. So, I’m putting an end to this expecting
thing and move forward.

So, okay, forward! One step, one step.

It seems I’m taking a lot of detour. Am I going in circles again,
or was I never out from this tiring cycle at all?