WTH?!

I am freaking pissed. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

Crazy

I think it’s becoming unhealthy, my obsession in pendings, every shift, after I’ve gone home I would think of the things I did in the entire shift and realize that maybe I have pendings. Ugh. Crazy right? I’ve had a crazy day too. So busy…if only I could divide myself, I would. Argghhh!!! I hate it. Go away nagging feeling!!!

Father

I’ve been holding a grudge against you for the past 23 years of my life. I think you already knew that. But right now, I don’t anymore. It wasn’t so easy accepting the situation neither was it any easier understanding it. I realized we’re all far from perfect, and somehow, my ideals were different from what was real. Because my reality and your reality is different. We move in different circles and somehow, we speak different language too. In effect, we didn’t communicate nor we ever tried to. Yes, we do talk sometimes, but talking doesn’t necessarily mean that we are communicating…that we are hearing each others’ points.

 

I have always told you how bad a father and a husband you were. We never got to walk in the park together, we never shared father-daughter talks, it feels like we have no relationship at all except that your sperm was the one who made half of me.

 

But I got to say this, I forgive you. I forgive you for hurting me, us; for if not for that I would not have become a sensitive person. I would not have tried to be better. I would not have become who I am today.

 

Your failure proved my strength.

 

“Happy Birthday…Father”

Indigo’s Shadow

Most of the time, sadness compells people to write to express their grief so that emotions won’t get bottled up. People write as a way of coping mechanism because sometimes, writing thoughts down is the easy way
to unload what’s inside our hearts. Because sadness/pain/grief are best expressed by words and tears.

In Celebration Of II

Today is fathers day. But this occasion does not hold any sentiment to me. Rather, I find this celebration awkward. But just because my father does not act like a father at all, it still doesn not undermine the fact that he’s still my father. I guess, we have this instinct to live by example. Unfortunately my father did not have a good example on fatherhood. I’ve stopped blaming him for all the thing he’s done. I accepted that he is the way he is because that’s how he knew to be a father. I think it’s unfair to ask for something more than he could ever give because maybe he’s given his all and for me it’s still not enough. We all have our own ideas of what a father is, how a father should act, how a father should handle the family but come to think of it, some men are only as good as their experiences. I think, when a boy had a rough childhood there are only things to be considered when he will have his own family: To be a good father to make up for the bad childhood or follow how his father raised him. My father did not raise me well, but I turned out okay. I think I have a conscious effort to do better in everything I do to make up for the lack of good childhood memories with my family (in general). And despite his shortcomings, I have accepted and understood him a bit. Someday, I’ll be able to say to him that I forgive him (personally). And maybe, I can finally say: “HAPPY FATHERS’ DAY!”

Be Inspired

Details in Fabric

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up

If it’s a broken part, replace it
If it’s a broken arm then brace it
If it’s a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
Mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I’m doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you’re shocked it’s just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature’s sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it’s just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Moving On

Sometimes, when something begins, we generally have no idea
how they will end. And sometimes too, when something important begins,
we usually do not know to begin…AGAIN.

Because people are like that. Reluctant to start. Reluctant to end.
We often get stabilized at the middle.
It’s like climbing a mountain, you start the uphill climb, struggling to get
to the top…and when you reach it, you want to be there for as long as you can
but sometimes we forget that the only way was to go down.
We go by the cycles.
We end a cycle,
We start a new one.
That’s just how everything in this world works.

———-

I’m just freaking happy today. Thank you Lord.♥

Passion

I think I have found my passion, ICU nursing. It’s awesome. The gadgets excite me, the whole set-up is amazing, I get to care for patients with quality and I get to know the family well as well (since it’s a long-term care facility). I realized that last Monday night. I so missed ICU set-up. Ward is so-so. It’s not making me the happiest person on earth but I guess it’s okay. Because I need work and I can’t demand for a lateral transfer at special units. But for the longest time, I’ve been searching in my heart my passion and I’ve found it. I know someday, I will be an excellent ICU nurse. ♥

Sometimes

Mostly, we learn by experience.

It was humiliating, but I can live with it. They might probably talk behind my back, but I don’t care. I will close this issue once I sleep tonight.

Just Happy

The last three days were all good duties. I plan on posting a longer post but I’m sleepy. And I want to write more on my journal, so maybe when I have the mood I’ll be posting here more.

 

Anyway, I got my internet connected today. Horray!!! (: