To make up for the lack of sleep for the past two days, I spent the entire day on bed.
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I can’t understand my feelings recently.
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The bad weather kept going on. I need sunshine. Lots of it.
Just got home from work, I barely slept for the last 24 hours. Anyway, will edit this as soon as I’m sober enough to think and type.
——edit: 12.19AM (25Nov09)
For the past 36 hours I only got to sleep for 1 hour.
Multitude of tears from the sky,
Nourish the ailing basins,
Of lakes,
Of rives,
Of the seas.
I was tired, hungry and moody when I got there.
Then the stubborn tears came out.
I don’t know why.
But Jade rescued me. I sent her a message saying : “I don’t know the reason why I went to this party when clearly, I don’t know anyone.”
The waves crashing on the shores was the wake-up call.
Like a trigger point. The tears welled up. But Jade got me on time, the tears fell when she called me and I cried for a whole 10-good minutes.
I can’t explain why I felt that particular moment. I felt so lost and alienated. I think it started when the weather was rather gloomy for the past week. I am becoming so sensitive these days. I can even say, I am being more sympathetic than emphatic.
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Watched New Moon last Monday night with Nikki.
Twilight vs. New Moon
New Moon: A lot better in terms of effects, cinematography and screenplay.
Jacob: HOT
Bella: UGH. Dark and gloomy.
Edward: Constipated.
I’m not really an anti, but the primary reason I watched it was to see what the hype was all about. I’ve read all four books and I must say, it wasn’t exceptionally well written. It was purely selfish and obsessive type of story. With seemingly flawless characters. The plot wasn’t well developed. Sure, I admit, I was MILDLY interested with it the first few months after it came out but like a dwindling candle, the light went out. It wasn’t as remarkable as Harry Potter and Twilight Saga will never compare to Harry Potter. EVER.
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I had a crazy shift last Monday night. Heck of procedures. UGH. No more repeats please!
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I paid bills today: House+Net
Do you know where do our tears come from? It’s from the Lacrimal Ducts.
Anyway…
credit:papertissue@tumblr
So, let those tears flow. 
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I actually broke my promise today. I said I’m gonna go to the bank and pay my bills but I woke up so late and now I’m feeling lazy again. It’s still gloomy outside. I THINK I’m gonna do it TOMORROW (hopefully). The reason I was up late was I stayed up all night cause I watched FO, then lurked to some forums.
Whom should Dara be with after 3 years?
A. GD
B. YB
C. TOP
D. Teddy
E. Some random guy
I honestly wanted her to end up with someone who will love her and take care of her, so for me, YB is the most ideal candidate. But being with Teddy wouldn’t hurt too. But if friendship will ruin these guys then it’s better that she get together with some random guy.
1.) I did my laundry yesterday and I got detergent-burns (is this even plausible?)
2.) The computer doctor did not come to our house. ARRGGHHH!!! So CPU still sick.
3.) I hate how Mam Grace changes my patient’s assignment every 4th day. Why does she keeps on doing that? I’ve been noticing that for the past month, if she’s the charge nurse on Saturday nights, I end up changing my district the following day. UGH. She must really dislike me, as I kinda still dislike her. Anyway, yesterday, I was with Bunsoi, Dodong and Raymund. I exchanged district with Dodong cause he got my assignment for the last 3 days. Good thing he said YES. We didn’t change the patient’s assignment record though cause Mam Grace might see it and make a big fuss about it. And DISLIKE me even more.
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I miss Irysh. I want to talk to her.
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Watching FO feat. Dara & UEE.
What could drive a person to do kill her/himself?
Mostly it’s depression. What causes depression then?
Depression has no single cause; often, it results from a combination of things. You may have no idea why depression has struck you.
Whatever its cause, depression is not just a state of mind. It is related to physical changes in the brain, and connected to an imbalance of a type of chemical that carries signals in your brain and nerves. These chemicals are called neurotransmitters.
Some of the more common factors involved in depression are:
Is there such a thing as a happy pill?
Would the world be better if happy pill existed?
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Hearing the news of a suicide by the late model Kim Daul has tugged a string in my heart because when I was 22 I had suicidal thoughts that I could act upon if I were braver (or should I say coward) only I was too afraid of the consequences. Heck, I wasn’t ready for after life. I was just so sad and lonely and everything else was falling apart and I could not talk to anyone. I was already saying weird stuff to my friends like “I want to jump from the highest building here in the city” and my friends just shrugged it off as nothing but the usual random gibberish I often say. I had a plan, I had chosen the mode in which I die, I had chosen the date and I even started to write some goodbye letters. In the end, I didn’t do it. Lack of courage? I don’t know. I woke up one day and realized that I can overcome my depression. I have a chronic case of mild depression, I have it since high school. I often visualize myself dying (which is sick). Although, I feel a little better now. I still get sad at times but not so lonely anymore like I did back in 2007. I think that year was the pinnacle of my depression. I was doing a lot of things but at the end of the day, I kept going back to my dark cave and let those darkness consume me. Of course no one noticed this because I’ve mastered the art of pretense, that I’m fine. But I’m not. I didn’t talk to my friends because I think they wouldn’t understand, I don’t even understand myself, how on earth could they understand me? Pretense became my best friend. I’d go out, see people, pretending as if I belong. But no, in all honesty, I was feeling more alienated. Looking back in retrospection, pretending has done me some good because I started believing that I was actually fine. It wasn’t an easy journey, I still slip to my old habit once in a while, but I refuse to let the feeling settle. It took me almost a year to talk about my suicidal thoughts to some friends. I wasn’t judge. And I felt better. Right now, I can honestly say, I am fine. I no longer dwell on things that causes me depression. But I’m not yet 100% fine. Perhaps 60% fine. But nonetheless, I’m far from my bottom point. I am gradually working on the 100% mark line. I’m keeping it together.
I don’t know Kim Daul. I haven’t read anything about her until the day she died. But she affected me without even knowing it.
My prayers to her family and friends.
1.) Dodong has a lot of pendings. Sometimes it sucks when you are close friends with your co-worker, they start to have this idea that since you’re all cool it’s all right to leave their mess behind. Well, it was never fine for me. I’m not perfect. I have my own pending. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t try hard to complete the unnecessary work. I was not in the mood and here comes this mess that wasn’t even mine. I don’t like it. Anyone will not like it. But I’ll let this go since the 8-hour shift has ended.
2.) 354: DISCHARGED!!!! yay!!!
3.) I asked Ma’am Zenny what was her first impression of me. She says I looked strict. Hehehe I really look quite different with how I act. It does not match. Get to know me and you’ll see I am more than that.
3.) Took a cab home. 
POOR ME!
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I’m watching MAMA at youtube now. Congrats to 2ne1. YOU ROCK!!!
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I’m hungry.
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It’s so cold outside, it’s not even raining. It’s just windy.
——-
credits:@tumblr
Tears fall like drizzles,
Thoughts like grey clouds,
Cold air like winter,
That’s exactly how I feel.
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The weather has been bad since yesterday, the rain kept on going for the entire day and when I went home last night I had no other choice but to take a cab. UGH. I swear I’m making those cab drivers richer while I’m becoming poorer. Double UGH. Anyway, for our Christmas party, we drawn the names of our kris kringle! Mine is Carol. She’s Mam Nicky’s GOP. weeeehh!!!! I’m excited for gifts! I want a new book! Must think now! Well, I wanted the Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami so I’m gonna ask that. I love Christmas season cause I can bully my way so that friends and family will buy me something I like, not that they are expensive. I’m so easy to give gifts to, I like books so people just give me books.
It’s 17 minutes past 12 o’clock and I should really take a bath and prepare for work but the weather is making me lazier than I normally am and we don’t have heater on the bathroom. It’s literally gonna be a COLD bath. Fine, throw in that bucket of ice water on me will ya?.
My hopes today at work:
1.) No more repeats of yesterday. PATIENT’S SAFETY FIRST!
2.) Be finished on time.
3.) No pendings!!! (I HATE PENDINGS!)
4.) Seriously, just a cool-chill 8-hour shift.
Got to put on that mask,
Wear that smile,
Hug optimism,
And inwardly sigh.
I just wanna type down my thoughts like right now because the words keep coming in and I don’t know if I can express them all. First off, the weather is still the same as yesterday. I woke up feeling cold (I don’t like blankets) so I hugged my big stuff bear toy tighter. I slept from 2AM til 10:30 AM today. I feel quite rested. Last night, or rather this morning (around 12AM) I read a news about the death of a korean supermodel KIM DAUL. I have no interest in fashion so I don’t exactly know her. But she was said to have been friends with 2ne1 stylists and GDragon. She was found dead in her apartment last November 19, and the cause of death haven’t been disclosed yet. But some say it’s suicide. I googled her and it led me to her blog. As I have come to read her entries, I realized she’s a deep person with profound thoughts and ideas. And her posts are kinda weird, it’s like weirdly sad and weirdly happy. I don’t know her on a personal level so she may be different in person. But our thoughts are reflection of ourselves. She was young, she was a model, she was smart and she still has so much to achieve. Whatever the cause of death may be, it still doesn’t change those facts. I don’t know about these artists at times, they get twisted and their thoughts kinda get tangled and they have this twisted view of the world. I don’t want to judge all the artists as that but some of them have really these serious dark and twisted view of the world. To each his own. And maybe she was feeling so sad that she wanted to end her life or helpless about things. RIP Kim Daul. May you find that forever is what you are looking for.
REST IN PEACE
1.) I realized there was no point in pointing the mistakes of others when they left it for you to clean up. Because perhaps someday, it’s gonna happen to me too. Me leaving a mess and relieving myself of the responsibilities. I don’t want to be the person that acts know-it-all, little-miss-perfect because I’m far from being that.
2.) Tried G-18 to room 353. FAIL.
3.) It rained the whole day. I went to work not in the mood because of that freaking rain.
4.) 354: Floxel consumed within 10-15 minutes. Patient experienced itchiness & burning sensation. Intervened with ice.
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Me to no one in particular: I don’t want to think! I refuse to think!
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I was really feeling lazy.
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I got the postcard + leaves from Dara.
