New Moon+One of those CRAZY shifts

Just got home from work, I barely slept for the last 24 hours. Anyway, will edit this as soon as I’m sober enough to think and type.

——edit: 12.19AM (25Nov09)

For the past 36 hours I only got to sleep for 1 hour.

Multitude of tears from the sky,

Nourish the ailing basins,

Of lakes,

Of rives,

Of the seas.

I was tired, hungry and moody when I got there.

Then the stubborn tears came out.

I don’t know why.

But Jade rescued me. I sent her a message saying : “I don’t know the reason why I went to this party when clearly, I don’t know anyone.”

The waves crashing on the shores was the wake-up call.

Like a trigger point. The tears welled up. But Jade got me on time, the tears fell when she called me and I cried for a whole 10-good minutes.

I can’t explain why I felt that particular moment. I felt so lost and alienated. I think it started when the weather was rather gloomy for the past week. I am becoming so sensitive these days. I can even say, I am being more sympathetic than emphatic.

——-

Watched New Moon last Monday night with Nikki.

Twilight vs. New Moon

New Moon: A lot better in terms of effects, cinematography and screenplay.

Jacob: HOT

Bella: UGH. Dark and gloomy.

Edward: Constipated.

I’m not really an anti, but the primary reason I watched it was to see what the hype was all about. I’ve read all four books and I must say, it wasn’t exceptionally well written. It was purely selfish and obsessive type of story. With seemingly flawless characters. The plot wasn’t well developed. Sure, I admit, I was MILDLY interested with it the first few months after it came out but like a dwindling candle, the light went out. It wasn’t as remarkable as Harry Potter and Twilight Saga will never compare to Harry Potter. EVER.

——

I had a crazy shift last Monday night. Heck of procedures. UGH. No more repeats please!

——

I paid bills today: House+Net

Depression: A Subtle Why

What could drive a person to do kill her/himself?

Mostly it’s depression. What causes depression then?

Causes of Depression

Depression has no single cause; often, it results from a combination of things. You may have no idea why depression has struck you.

Whatever its cause, depression is not just a state of mind. It is related to physical changes in the brain, and connected to an imbalance of a type of chemical that carries signals in your brain and nerves. These chemicals are called neurotransmitters.

Some of the more common factors involved in depression are:

• Family history. Genetics play an important part in depression. It can run in families for generations.
• Trauma and stress. Things like financial problems, the breakup of a relationship, or the death of a loved one can bring on depression. You can become depressed after changes in your life, like starting a new job, graduating from school, or getting married.
• Pessimistic personality. People who have low self-esteem and a negative outlook are at higher risk of becoming depressed. These traits may actually be caused by low-level depression (called dysthymia).
• Physical conditions. Serious medical conditions like heart disease, cancer, and HIV can contribute to depression, partly because of the physical weakness and stress they bring on. Depression can make medical conditions worse, since it weakens the immune system and can make pain harder to bear. In some cases, depression can be caused by medications used to treat medical conditions.
• Other psychological disorders. Anxiety disorders, eating disorders, schizophrenia, and (especially) substance abuse often appear along with depression.

Is there such a thing as a happy pill?

Would the world be better if happy pill existed?

——

Hearing the news of a suicide by the late model Kim Daul has tugged a string in my heart because when I was 22 I had suicidal thoughts that I could act upon if I were braver (or should I say coward) only I was too afraid of the consequences. Heck, I wasn’t ready for after life. I was just so sad and lonely and everything else was falling apart and I could not talk to anyone. I was already saying weird stuff to my friends like “I want to jump from the highest building here in the city” and my friends just shrugged it off as nothing but the usual random gibberish I often say. I had a plan, I had chosen the mode in which I die, I had chosen the date and I even started to write some goodbye letters. In the end, I didn’t do it. Lack of courage? I don’t know. I woke up one day and realized that I can overcome my depression. I have a chronic case of mild depression, I have it since high school. I often visualize myself dying (which is sick). Although, I feel a little better now. I still get sad at times but not so lonely anymore like I did back in 2007. I think that year was the pinnacle of my depression. I was doing a lot of things but at the end of the day, I kept going back to my dark cave and let those darkness consume me. Of course no one noticed this because I’ve mastered the art of pretense, that I’m fine. But I’m not. I didn’t talk to my friends because I think they wouldn’t understand, I don’t even understand myself, how on earth could they understand me? Pretense became my best friend. I’d go out, see people, pretending as if I belong. But no, in all honesty, I was feeling more alienated. Looking back in retrospection, pretending has done me some good because I started believing that I was actually fine. It wasn’t an easy journey, I still slip to my old habit once in a while, but I refuse to let the feeling settle. It took me almost a year to talk about my suicidal thoughts to some friends. I wasn’t judge. And I felt better. Right now, I can honestly say, I am fine. I no longer dwell on things that causes me depression. But I’m not yet 100% fine. Perhaps 60% fine. But nonetheless, I’m far from my bottom point. I am gradually working on the 100% mark line. I’m keeping it together.

I don’t know Kim Daul. I haven’t read anything about her until the day she died. But she affected me without even knowing it.

My prayers to her family and friends.

Rip Off

When you don’t know what to do, it doesn’t matter what you DO NOT do.

Everything’s well that ends well. No more judgment. Thank you Lord. I know I’m lucky and blessed.

——

I was supposed to go to the bank and pay for the rent but it’s raining, so I’m having second thoughts, I am actually smelling some RAIN CHECK again.

——

I get tired when people send text messages asking me the obvious questions.

K: “Daghan pa nabilin na tambal si Estaris?”

Okay, for the record, I honestly thought that it was CMed, but if not, shouldn’t you check the box to see if there was anything left? Who discharged her anyway?

D: “Please enumerate your room rates”

Bro, I’ve told you countless of times the rates. I don’t have phone credits. Go, ask someone else.

Today:

1.) When I arrived at work this morning, I saw a memo posted on one of the cabinet doors. It was the new list of assignments in the ward. The drift was, the assignments were drawn by lottery. I was looking up at the assignments I would WANT to do (meaning the least taxing work). There I was pondering the assignments, I thought to myself that I would want to clean the cardex. It was number 12. I was sooo thinking that number when I picked among those rolled papers. I even help up the one I picked and said: It’s cardex! When I opened it, I was so surprised that it was number 12. The cardex assignment. I was just amazed by the law of attraction. It’s true!

2.) I began the day with a fairly good start, then WHAM! I don’t really care. Okay, I care. I give an effing care! Because if I don’t, I would not have been so affected.

3.) It’s my 6th month at work. I had my shares of stories. I think I’ve become better. As a person and as a nurse.

4.) Changed my blog title AGAIN. Keep those comin’ yo!

Stupid and Silly

I hate familiarity.

Okay, scratch that, I hate it when something you are so familiar with suddenly changed and you can’t help but wish you still have that familiarity around you. I’m not really talking about comfort zone per se, I’m talking about my CPU. I’m using a crappy CPU. It’s not mine to begin with. It has this different display. My files aren’t here. I miss my hard drive. My pictures, my music, my poems. It might sound silly but I have a part of my self in that CPU. I wrote my poems, wrote my thoughts, wrote my stories..mostly my drives were expressions of my heart and now I realized I don’t have a back up file. It reminded me of the time when my other drive crashed and my 2006 pictures were all deleted leaving me with nothing but fading memories.

I sound stupid and emotional over a small thing like this but I can’t help it.

I already miss having my daily video dose of YB and 2ne1. My sound trip with Lifehouse, No Diggity, etc. I miss my music choices and the icons on the desktop taskbar. I miss how I customize it to suit me.

DARN IT!!!!

It’s Tuesday and I’m supposed to be loving this day and yet here I am saying gibberish in this rainy day.

Bad News

The hospital environment is a place full of bad news (most of the time). Every one is under stress, under pressure. And it’s hard to be on the front line, dealing with everything that has something to do with the patient.

And scenarios vary from frustrating to infuriating to amusing and sometimes downright funny. But last night what happened was far from funny. I heard that Patient X of Room 378 (who was transferred to the ICU) died yesterday. It kinda affected me because I saw him get weak everyday until he was wheeled out of the room to be observed more closely in the ICU. Another thing, the patient in Room 368 (admission from PM shift) had a seizure attack and the husband was screaming : Do something, she’s dying! My colleague was so scared because he kept on screaming profanities, he even shouted “WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU DUMBSHIT?!” It was very rude and I don’t want to rationalize it because the husband was in the state of panic but it was just so rude. We were doing our best. We know what we are doing. Screaming at us, nurses would only bring harm to the patient because at time we lose our composure too. Anyway, the patient was transferred to the ICU immediately. No need to scream sir. We can perfectly hear you and we do our job better if you keep your mouth shut.

And one last bad news, my friend’s mother was sent to the ICU. She has multiple myeloma.

—–

On a lighter note:

MANNY PACQUIAO WON AGAINST COTTO!!!!

Missing My People

Dear Jade,

We’ve been through a lot. You have been feeling lonely and alone for the longest time but I hope you know that I care a lot about you. And as I promised, I’ll always be your safe harbor. Missing you so bad

Love,

Yan

——

Dear High School Barkadas: (Clockwise 1st pic) Richie, Tata, Tiyoy and  Pre (Clockwise 2nd pic) Butchit, Totet and Ja,

We were so young then, naive and so carefree. Look at us now, busy trying to play the role of a grown-up laid down upon us. Our adventures and misadventures in high school felt surreal now. Did the time fly by really fast? It was so blurry I didn’t notice it, and now when I look back, I’m glad I’ve met you guys. We were quite a group weren’t we? Everything was so memorable, the first hang over, parental fights, friendship fights and other things that seem so silly now. I miss us. I miss our nonsense discussions about our teachers, our cheating plans, our weekend illegal drinking binges, our night ice cream drives. I simply miss us. And though I do not wish for the time to turn its back to the past, I wish we can still do things like that now, but I’m afraid it won’t come. Because each of us had our own plans, our own dreams to pursue and our roles to fill. Sometimes, when I get tired of the adult world I want to go back to the way we were before. I wish. Take care guys. I miss you all heaps.

Love,

Yan

——

Elena

 

Nyzel

Jen, Nikki, Nyzel, me

Nyzel, Fredchell, Joanne, Elena, Nikki, me, Talie

 

Dear College Friends,

Where are you now?

Elena: I haven’t heard a lot from you and I miss you sooo much. I miss our heart to heart talks. You’re one person who could always make me feel better despite of how upset I am. You always knock sense into my sometimes daft brain and I really appreciate that. Let us meet soon!!!

Nyzel: It’s been soooo long since the last time I saw. I miss you! You’re thoughtfulness is one of your charms and I sooo miss it!

Talie: You’re sonear (with pun intended :p) yet so far??? Tal, I missed your corny jokes and I miss the way you say “I miss you more”

Ate Charms: I hope to see you soon!

Fredchelle: Let us meet soon eh? Niña’s growing up so big and cuddly and cute. Ninang misses her too!

Jen: I miss your daftness.

Ate Han: Contact me!!!

Lovely: Send me some dollars! Seriously though, I miss talking to you. I miss hearing about your love life, but then you’re happily married now. Send some love, love!

Love,

Yan

Room 378

Dear Patient X,

It’s like a deja vu all over again.

I don’t know what to say to make both of you feel better, but I hope my sincere caring is enough to at least make you feel you are not alone.

I want to say that things happen, that sometimes these things happen so quickly we can’t even say “SLOW DOWN!”. I don’t know how to say things that can assure you that everything will be all right because at this point in your life, you’d say it’s a bull. For now, it might be…There are no guarantees in this life and we all know that the surest thing is we will hit the dead end at some point.

I pray that you will have the strength and accept these things. I feel sad whenever I see you all weak yet struggling to fight a losing battle.

I feel for you.

For now, be comforted with the thought that there are people who care.

-Yan

Garbled, Wired, Sick

I’m feeling sick and feverish since last night. Acckkkk!!!! I still have one more night shift before my coveted day off, I hope to survive the night with he help of coffee and mefenamic acid.

——-

Tomorrow is Manghud’s birthday, I was supposed to make a gift for her like what I did for Nikki but I’m a bit lazy and the idea won’t be so original anymore cause I told her about it.  So, while I was thinking that I should just write her a simple letter (I know it’s childish) but when I started typing my thoughts down I had a sudden flow of idea and this is what I came up. I almost cried while writing and re-reading it (I know I’m so lame ) Anyway, here’s my birthday poem:

My Gift

(c) dcec 26Oct09

My gift to you is  intangible but, very overt.
It cannot be measured yet, at some point you can gauge its worth.
It can most be seen as  a basket of: comfort, little joys, laughter and love.

My gift is my eyes,
to look at you kindly when you most need it,
to stare at you when you have done something inappropriate.

My gift is my lips,
to say the words you most wanted to hear,
and even say the words you wouldn’t accept.

My gift is my shoulders,
for you to lean on when you need support.
and to give you a nudge when you seem at lost of what to do.

My gift is my arms,
to hug you,
in tears and in smiles.
Or just because.

My gift is my two hands,
to hold yours when you feel cold and alone,
and to wipe your stubborn tears.

My gift to you is my two feet,
to walk miles with you,
definite or unknown destinations.

And my most precious gift to you,
Is my heart.
That sees the good in you,
That speaks my sisterly love (for I lack blood-related one)
That tells me to be there even in silence,
That will go with you all the way, despite my physical absence.
That will never falter, even when the world turned its back.

Those are my gifts,
And my promise
That I will forever keep.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MANGHUD!!!!

THIRD YEAR: Saving Grace & More

HAPPY THIRD BIRTHDAY dcec.worpress.com!!!!

Happy third year to blog!!!

It’s today by the way. Check out my October 25, 2006 post.

Looking back, I had my childish and immature moments, emotional breakdowns and what not. Most of them recorded in this secret online diary. I’ve expressed my raw emotions in my blog more than I have ever told anyone, mainly for the reason that my blog doesn’t talk back, doesn’t judge me and it just let me be, letting me rant, letting me cry, letting my emotions transform into words. It’s been a heck of a journey. And the sole witness of my HOW I was transformed into what I am now is this blog.

——-

Three years, that’s the number. That’s how long this cyber diary is. I been keeping it as a secret outlet for the longest time afraid that someone close to me will stumble upon it & read most of my intimate thoughts. Three years is also a long time, In those years, I’ve become better than I used to be, Though I still have the same demons that haunt me they no longer hurt as much, And I’m thankful that I’ve written those feelings down. If I didn’t write what I feel then I might have  literally broken down, In a way my blog has become my refuge because I can’t talk to anyone even to my friends because I don’t want to burden them with my problems and what not. I know it’s lame because friends are people who are supposed to understand you and I have no doubt that they will understand me, But maybe because of my pride, I did not to ask help even my heart bleeds & is screaming help, Because I thought I was strong, that I can take it all, and for the most part, I was right. Recently I realized the importance of having someone to share your thoughts with and for that, I am slowly opening myself to others. Because it’s so lonely being alone and hurt, and it isn’t any easier if you just keep mum about it. I’m still on the process of letting people in, it might take a while for me to fully expose myself, but gradually I’ll be better at this.

And I will no longer hide.